Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The truth about boys, men and the average trained monkey

When I was younger and more naive, I thought boys were herculean gods that were to be worshiped.  Then I married one and gave birth to four of them.  Now I am sane and know that these boys may think they are gods, but they are actually closer to a trained circus monkey.  Lets  take a gander down little boy to manhood lane...... 
When boys are young, they think that the world is theirs to conquer, draw on, chop down with swords and pelt with spit wads.  Mothers are constantly doing their best to keep peace in the neighborhood and stores.  The difference between a boy under the age of 10 and the 16 yr old is the cute factor.  When your 3 year old wants to take the tricycle at Walmart for a test ride, well, that is cute; and it carries a high probability that the mother in tow will buy said trike for the tyke.  13 years in the future, the same boy will be taking the newest model out for a test ride, except instead of his mother in tow he will have 3 of his friends cheering him on and playing bumper trikes with each other. 
One of my overactive sons used to, and still likes to do Parcour....  I'm not sure if that is the right spelling but it's the sport of  jumping and flipping over stationary objects and landing on your feet...  One frosty morning before school, this son of mine decided to run and vault over the hood of my car.  He forgot to take into consideration the fact that it was morning and a thick heavy dew was on the car.  Did I mention that it was slippery?  Well, as we all were sitting in the car waiting patiently for him, he came running out the door, placed his hands not so firmly on the hood and proceeded to fly across the front of the car and land crumpled in the dirt on the other side.  Not only was he mad at all of us for laughing, he was adamant that he could do it and land it the next time.  Thankfully for his ego, he did.   This is the same son who climbs trees, like a monkey, and waves at me from the top while the top of the tree is swaying back and forth like it's about to snap.  
Most boys are like this.  They have the inability to realize that they could get hurt.  To tell them that is just wasting breath.  Boys believe they have a built in suit of iron and 9 lives like the cat.  Why else would insurance companies automatically make men pay more for car insurance than girls?  They aren't stupid.   They know that a guy is going to get in the car and decide that the speed limit is optional and it's more fun to play chicken with Grandma Gert who is driving down the street.
I did happen to raise a child that was rightfully scared of heights..... until he went to college.  Then he decided he liked jumping off of cliffs.  I can still hear myself asking them this question: "if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?"    I guess I got my answer..... and that would be a "yes".    Now all I can say is please make sure you check the depth of the water.   Although I'm pretty sure as soon as I say it their eyes glaze over and the voice inside their head sounds like the authority figures in the Peanuts TV specials... you know the ones I'm talking about, wha wah wah whwa wah.......
No matter how much they make my blood pressure go up, and even though I need to color the gray in my hair quite often, I will keep throwing them bananas..... after all, I have the best four monkeys a mom could ask for.

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