Friday, April 23, 2010

Loud mouth kids

Anyone with kids or who has been around kids for more than 12 hours will know that they have one volume on their voice box.  Why is that?  There is no mute button and even if someone finds the knob to turn down the sound, it's right back up to a decibel level that has been proven to cause hearing loss in lab rats!  
Our son Slayt is constantly being told to be quiet, or use his indoor voice.  I'm pretty sure he wasn't given an indoor voice when he was made.  I think I'm going to have to address that with God when I get to Heaven.  Slayt can be two feet away and still feel the need to shout like he is standing next to a Nascar revving it's engine.  It's always a crap shoot whether or not he will be able to contain himself when he is required to remain quiet for more than 3 minutes, and inevitably,he blurts out something with the force of a trumpet right when the last Amen has been said......
He isn't the only one in our family who talks loud.  Daniel might possibly be even louder and more unpredictable than Slayt.  With Dan, you never know what he will say, and no matter how hard you try to cover his mouth, he gets it out somehow.  It's like a ventriloquist!  I'm like, how the heck did they just come out? I've got my hand clamped over his trap with the force of 15 suction cups and still his voice is heard!  UGH!  I need to go visit a lady whose husband died recently and I'm wanting to take the kids but I'm fearful about what Danny is going to say.  You see, the man was probably not on God's favorite person list and the kids know that..... Danny is recently fixated on Heaven and Hell and who goes where.  He has said to me on more than one occasion that people who don't love God go to hell....  SO, all I can picture is that we would walk in the door and Danny would announce with all authority that this poor lady's  husband was now in hell!  Oy VEY!   
I'll save the story about Danny calling 911 in the car and needing to convince the operator on the other end that we were fine and not being car-jacked...... all while I had 3 screaming kids in the car for another time.
I suppose I could blame all of this on their older brother Jake.  He is the oldest loud speaker in our family so I'm sure it's hereditary and they got it from him.....  When he was younger he always talked loud.  Now that he is older, he can be quiet SOMETIMES but usually he just doesn't shut up!  Driving in the car is quite the experience also.  I've almost wrecked the car on more than one occasion because i've been laughing so hard at him that I can't see the road.  If you are ever driving by a car and there is a guy in it making weird facial expressions or shaking his groove thing, then it's probably Jake.   We have driven by numerous truckers and given them a show on wheels.  The booty shake, the chest pumps, the wink and tongue lick over the teeth are big for Jake.   It's like a traveling circus in my car.    

Thursday, April 22, 2010

What's a girl to do?

So many things on my mind lately but not really sure about what to write......  I'm really needing to do more writing on the book I'm writing about my mom but I feel like I'm at a stand-still.  Yikes!  Writing a book is probably one of the most daunting tasks I have ever tried.  Everything I write sounds blah and just stupid.  Oy vey! 
Tax season is technically over but now we are in the 'clean-up' phase of that and I think that is even more stressful for Ron than the actual tax season.  He is so sick of looking at numbers at this time of year but still has too so he's kinda bummed and I really hate it when that happens.  I'm not sure what to do for him when he is like that.  I kind of wish he'd just go on a backpacking trip to clear his head or something like that.  I've even thought about calling work (UPS) and having them give him vacation time, work it all out and buy him a plane ticket to Arizona or somewhere I know he likes.   Who knows......  he'd be upset for about 3 seconds, until he realized that he was going to somewhere warm and sunny and he could relax. 
I'm also trying like crazy to get some junk yard guys to come get these dumb vehicles we have sitting in our yard.  Our yard looks like a welfare house because we have three vehicles that are just sitting there.  At least they aren't up on blocks, but still!  If the junk guy doesn't call me back today i'm going to call someone else.  Sheesh! 
Yesterday I got a thing in the mail from our insurance company that gave a total for our oldest son's knee surgery.   It's over $9000.!!!!!!!    His dad's insurance won't cover it because they said there is a spending cap.  Well, thanks a LOT for letting me know that.  How the heck was I supposed to know?   Seems to me that the person scheduling the surgery and doing the insurance stuff would have found that out.  GOSH!  I'm really hoping and praying that the college will pick up some of the cost since it happened at a game. 
I'm really eager to build Abby's new room downstairs.  We are making a fifth bedroom downstairs in the "basement" which really doesn't seem like a basement.  It's really bright and has a walkout with french doors so it's nice and open.    Anyway, we are letting her become a cellar dweller and I can't wait to transform her new room into something great!   I love doing that kind of stuff.  If I could buy houses and redo them, I think that would be fantastic.   
My other dilemma is trying to figure out Ron's office.   We have another house on our property.  Actually, most people would say, knock it down, but it's a really old  1800's farm house and the floors are wide plank floors which would be beautiful if we restored them.  I have lots of idea's of how we could make that into Ron's office and get him the heck out of the house.  It's nice having him close, but having him too close when he is trying concentrate and the kids are running over the top of his head is another story.  My other idea for the house is that if we could somehow make it usable for my mom and step-dad and Ron's mom to live in when they need to, it would be great.   I never thought I'd ever want my parents or Ron's mom that close, but I'm thinking it would be kind of nice to have them there.   There would have to be boundaries set, but I think it could work.  I'm sure they would want boundaries set too.   
Yesterday I worked for a friend who has a cleaning company.  We had a smoke job to do on a cabin.  Holy cow!  The person is a total HOARDER!   Not even packrat.  Down right Discovery Channel Hoarders!  I don't know how anyone can live like that.  Seriously.  I am sooooo the opposite of that.  In fact, I probably throw things away too much. I wonder if there is such a thing as a dehoarder?  If so, I am definitely one of those.
I suppose it's time to start my day..... time to call the junk yard guys............

Saturday, April 10, 2010

oh to be a woman

Oh to be a woman.   Most of the time I have to say it is a really awesome thing.  It's days when the hair won't do a darn thing, my legs look like hamburg because the razor is dull and 'aunt mary' comes to visit right in the middle of  the grocery store. 
I think most women can agree that being a woman can be torturous and humiliating at times.  Take the gyno for example.   Now, first of all I think the majority of whooha doc's are males.  That right there has to tell you something.  My OB/GYN is prime example of a doctor with NO qualms of telling me I've let myself go all while I'm butt naked from the waist down with my legs spread  farther apart than the north and south pole.  What am I going to say?  I'm not about to argue with a man who has a metal torture device which has just sprung my va-JJ open so wide you could drive a truck through.   When I had my second son, my placenta was attached to scar tissue and the doctor had to reach inside to scrape it off so I wouldn't bleed.  Do  you think he gave me any drugs?  That would be a no.  I'm pretty sure if a man had been laying on the table and the doctor had crawled inside like mine did, he would have died right there on the table.   But no, I laid there, begging him to  shoot me while he crawled inside and did a dance on my uterus and set off fireworks on his way out. 
Then we as women get to have mammograms every year.  Well, they start when a woman is forty so I am just writing based on hear-say on this one.  I have heard though that during a mammogram, you are asked to place your bossom onto the slab like a sacrifice and watch as your breast is squished flat.  Now what kind of sadist  came up with that machine?  Did someone sit around in an office somewhere and say," how can we take a picture of the inside of a womans boob? Oh I know, we can put it between a door and slam the doors shut?"     Yeah, great idea Mr. Inventor.  Gosh, and we as women just go along like lambs to the slaughter and offer our sacrifices to the gods.  Well, this chick is taking her lambs to no such place.  My lady lumps will stay firmly on the ground where they belong. 
And last but not least, I will talk about hormones.  Ahhh, the joys of hormonal inbalance.  I've noticed that my 8 year old has started to show signs of  pre-pre- pms.  My sixteen year old has definitely become inbalanced and I've been inbalanced so long I walk with one arm and one leg.    Thanks Eve, ya had to go and eat the darn apple didn't ya?  And what did that get us?  I think PMS is God's way of saying " I told you so". 
Now don't get me wrong, I love being a woman.  But men have to realize they have it so much easier.   And if they think they don't then I say it's time to start designing a mammogram machine for men.  

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

the truth about cats and dogs

Pets!  It's very ironic how the word, if changed, spells pest.  In our house we have an abundance of pests.  I mean pets.  We have two guinea pigs, two indoor cats, one lizard and one dog.   The dog, which was once an outdoor dog has now become an indoor dog with the propensity to think he is my 7th child.  Forget about human brother/sister sibling rivalry.  I have dog/cat sibling rivalry happening in our home.   The dog, as most dogs are, is like a large four legged baby with no hope of their IQ reaching past 1.3, cats on the other hand are like snobby geniuses that make Einstein look like a moron.   I'm constantly telling our cat Sam to play nice with our dog Hound.  Do they listen?  No.  Sam torments hound every occasion she gets and has now decided it is quite funny to chase the dog down the hallway.  Sam thinks she is queen bee in the house and even limits our other cats food intake.  I think this is because Sam has an eating disorder.  Let me describe what Sam would be like if she were human.  Sam would be a bulimic know-it-all sociopath with narcissistic tendencies.  The dog on the other hand would be like  Gomer Pyle, except not as bright with breath like a toilet bowl.     Oh well.  Animals help keep us sane right?  I think it's because we see ourselves in them  There are days when I'd like to rip out someones eyes like the cat has tried many times and some days I feel like I've rolled in a pile of dog doo then rolled across the carpet spreading my yuck everywhere.   I guess I won't complain, just as long as I don't start scooting my butt across the floor or licking my private parts in public.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Tick tock

My heart has been thumping erratically again lately which is quite annoying to say the least.  I refuse to go to the doctor because I'm sick of them telling me it's stress.  However, last time I knew, stress could and does cause heart attacks.  Oh well.  I guess if my ticker stops tocking then someone can tell the doctors "i told you so" for me.   I was thinking a while ago about my funeral.  I know, it's a morbid thought but oh well.  No, I'm not suicidal.  I am too much of a chicken to do that.  Anyway.....  these are my wishes in the event I croak.......
 I want a FUNeral.  I want waiters walking around serving wine and cheese at my wake.  I want party music and a dance floor.  In my casket, I want one finger up my nose, the other giving a thumbs up and my eyes crossed and I really want my tongue sticking out of my mouth.   I think it would be great if someone could figure out how to rig up a motion sensor and when people walk up to pay their last respects "I" can say things like, "have a great day", "don't cry for me argentina", "boo", "wow, there really are dogs in heaven", and who knows what else.   Also, since I'll be dead anyway, if someone could have them take off about 80 pounds and make me look super skinny and put me in a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top then that would be great.  Leave the boobs the way they are.  Well, tack them up where they should be,  but you get the idea.   
Well, i guess I better get back to reality.  No time to die this week.  Until the kids are old I'm pretty sure my schedule is packed so heaven will have to wait. 

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Thank God for Easter!

Have you ever had times in your life when it seems like every mistake you make compels you to make another and then another?   I have had one of those weeks.   
I think it started because I've been stressed out about Danny.  I've been stressed out because it's tax season and that causes a  spill over effect from Ron.  I'm sad about other things and so all in all it's just been an emotionally draining few weeks.  
I got my panties in a wad about something which was said so I wrote about stuff on my brain which probably should have been kept private.  Then I made someone upset so I got defensive and wrote other stuff and so it went.......  If nothing else, these last few days has given me time to look at myself.  I can be a real hard core, stubborn witch when I want to be.  Not a good thing when dealing with family.  I think I've dug canals instead of bridges and done more for hurting the kingdom of Heaven rather than help it.   That's why I'm thankful that it's Easter.  I'm thankful that Christ died for me, even though I'm a real jerk sometimes and very insensitive and probably very undeserving of His forgiveness.  Yet, he still gives it freely.  However, even though I know in my heart that He has forgiven me I am still the one who feels like I don't deserve it.  Probably because I know I'm inevitably going to screw up again so it makes me embarrassed to walk in forgiveness.  I think that is why I get stubborn sometimes.  It's easier to put on a bitchy front and act like I don't care or whatever, rather than to accept my part in a problem and move on.  Funny thing is, I do care if people are mad at me.  A lot.    That is the other thing I've realized over the last week.  I have a major fight or flight response to conflict.  Usually conflict makes me want to run away.  Especially when I feel like I'm on the loosing end.  Ahhh, the joys of self-discovery.  Well.... I've decided that there are just some things that are off subjects.  At least in a public forum such as this.  I've also decided that being the youngest sucks.  We are born to be peacemakers.....  and that is not always fun or easy to do.  I know that if I had been hired to do that job I'd have been fired this week for sure.