Sunday, April 4, 2010

Thank God for Easter!

Have you ever had times in your life when it seems like every mistake you make compels you to make another and then another?   I have had one of those weeks.   
I think it started because I've been stressed out about Danny.  I've been stressed out because it's tax season and that causes a  spill over effect from Ron.  I'm sad about other things and so all in all it's just been an emotionally draining few weeks.  
I got my panties in a wad about something which was said so I wrote about stuff on my brain which probably should have been kept private.  Then I made someone upset so I got defensive and wrote other stuff and so it went.......  If nothing else, these last few days has given me time to look at myself.  I can be a real hard core, stubborn witch when I want to be.  Not a good thing when dealing with family.  I think I've dug canals instead of bridges and done more for hurting the kingdom of Heaven rather than help it.   That's why I'm thankful that it's Easter.  I'm thankful that Christ died for me, even though I'm a real jerk sometimes and very insensitive and probably very undeserving of His forgiveness.  Yet, he still gives it freely.  However, even though I know in my heart that He has forgiven me I am still the one who feels like I don't deserve it.  Probably because I know I'm inevitably going to screw up again so it makes me embarrassed to walk in forgiveness.  I think that is why I get stubborn sometimes.  It's easier to put on a bitchy front and act like I don't care or whatever, rather than to accept my part in a problem and move on.  Funny thing is, I do care if people are mad at me.  A lot.    That is the other thing I've realized over the last week.  I have a major fight or flight response to conflict.  Usually conflict makes me want to run away.  Especially when I feel like I'm on the loosing end.  Ahhh, the joys of self-discovery.  Well.... I've decided that there are just some things that are off subjects.  At least in a public forum such as this.  I've also decided that being the youngest sucks.  We are born to be peacemakers.....  and that is not always fun or easy to do.  I know that if I had been hired to do that job I'd have been fired this week for sure. 

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