Sunday, October 7, 2012

What's on my mind?

There has been so much on my mind lately.  Much of it, I choose not to blog about.
I was asked recently how I decide what to write about and share with everyone, and how I decide when I shouldn't.  I guess it's not really an easy question to answer.   My impulsive and natural instinct and brain would have me spout off and have diarrhea of the mouth.  I've done it before and the outcome is not a good one.  But recently, I've tried to be more intentional about what I choose to share.  So for now, I make my decisions on what I share based on this criteria: #1- Does it encourage people to choose Christ?  That is my first and most important deciding point. If it doesn't, then I don't post it. #2- Does it embarrass someone?  If it does, I try not to.  If I do, it honestly is unintentional and let me know if I have embarrassed you.  In the case of my kids, slight embarrassment is part of the territory of being my child.  I gave birth to you, thus rendering ALL instances of embarrassment a right of mine. (this is said with a smile on my face)
and lastly, #3- is what I'm saying out of anger? Or have I worked through the ick and yuck and am just making a point or talking about the left-over feelings?  If it's an angry rant, I try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to not post.  However, even if I am angry, I will not use names.
Does any of that blabber make sense?  I hope so.  So here goes.........
What's on my mind lately?
My kids.  All 6 of them.  I really am proud of them.  From the oldest, right down to the youngest.  Each are unique and I love each and every quality that makes them, well, them.  I am in awe of how well they are doing and who they have become, in spite of my failures and inadequacies as a mother.  But even though they are doing well, it doesn't mean they don't struggle at times.  Life is still hard at times for them.  The older ones have bills to pay and that is not always easy.  Learning how to navigate married life, college and friends, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships.  It's all a learning experience for them.  As a parent, I want to make everything "ok" in their lives.  I want to make a million dollars to pay all their bills, pay off college loans, and give them all they could want to make them "happy".   But I can't, and hopefully even if I could, I wouldn't.  Sometimes the hard things are what makes us stronger in the long run.  Sure, I'd probably pay of college debt if I could, but just "fixing" everything wouldn't really fix anything. 
What else is on my mind?
He is on my mind all the time, but lately i've been needing to work hard to not "worry" about him.   His new diagnosis is a good thing.  It is.   But at the same time, it leaves a few more unanswered questions and more "wait and see".  I don't do well with "wait and see".  I'm so thankful that we have connected with the doctors at Boston Children's. They have been a wealth of knowledge and a great help in learning more.  Many of our thoughts about how Danny acts and how he learns, or doesn't learn, have been confirmed that what we see is an accurate definition of this syndrome.  It has also been a help so we can give this information to the school so they can help understand him as well.  Yet, there are other things that I never expected that  have come to light regarding this diagnosis.  The likely possibility that Daniel will have problems down the road with his feet or hands going numb is a bummer to think about.  Thinking about future nerve conduction testing to check the progression of this is a sad thought.  It's painful and not a fun thing for Dan to go through.  Then the fact that he will need hormones to make his body go into puberty kind of freaks me out.  Don't ask me why.  It just does.  Who would have thought that because he can't smell, he more than likely won't go into puberty on his own?  Weird.  Neat, and cool, and completely amazing. 
And even though I have fully expected Dan to need to live at home with us forever, when I'm reminded by doctors of this fact, it somehow hits me in the face like a new realization.  It's not depressing really, it's just, I don't know, it's just..... ugh, I guess I feel sad for HIM.  Not me, but Dan.  But then, on the other hand, why feel sad for him? He is perfectly perfect just how he was created.  His life has had more of an impact on others in his 10 years on earth than mine has had in the last 41.  So I guess it's just that I can't really describe how I'm feeling. 
And lastly...... I've got my book on my mind.
This new journey I've been on has been very cool for me.  It has been completely daunting, and scarey and really really neat.   I love what I'm doing.  I love writing, I love speaking to women, and I guess that is a great thing.  If I hated it, that would be a bummer.  Who knows if I am any good at it, but I feel that God has called me to this, and I'm grateful for the opportunity He has given me.  It's when I start worrying about getting speaking engagements or selling books that I get frustrated.  And even then, I have to remind myself that this is NOT about me.   This whole journey is about doing what I've been called to do right now.  How long will it last?  As long as God is in it.  The minute it becomes about me, then I'm done.  And you can hold me to that. 
So, i guess that is what is on my mind in a nut shell.