Tick tock

My heart has been thumping erratically again lately which is quite annoying to say the least.  I refuse to go to the doctor because I'm sick of them telling me it's stress.  However, last time I knew, stress could and does cause heart attacks.  Oh well.  I guess if my ticker stops tocking then someone can tell the doctors "i told you so" for me.   I was thinking a while ago about my funeral.  I know, it's a morbid thought but oh well.  No, I'm not suicidal.  I am too much of a chicken to do that.  Anyway.....  these are my wishes in the event I croak.......
 I want a FUNeral.  I want waiters walking around serving wine and cheese at my wake.  I want party music and a dance floor.  In my casket, I want one finger up my nose, the other giving a thumbs up and my eyes crossed and I really want my tongue sticking out of my mouth.   I think it would be great if someone could figure out how to rig up a motion sensor and when people walk up to pay their last respects "I" can say things like, "have a great day", "don't cry for me argentina", "boo", "wow, there really are dogs in heaven", and who knows what else.   Also, since I'll be dead anyway, if someone could have them take off about 80 pounds and make me look super skinny and put me in a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top then that would be great.  Leave the boobs the way they are.  Well, tack them up where they should be,  but you get the idea.   
Well, i guess I better get back to reality.  No time to die this week.  Until the kids are old I'm pretty sure my schedule is packed so heaven will have to wait. 

Thank God for Easter!

Have you ever had times in your life when it seems like every mistake you make compels you to make another and then another?   I have had one of those weeks.   
I think it started because I've been stressed out about Danny.  I've been stressed out because it's tax season and that causes a  spill over effect from Ron.  I'm sad about other things and so all in all it's just been an emotionally draining few weeks.  
I got my panties in a wad about something which was said so I wrote about stuff on my brain which probably should have been kept private.  Then I made someone upset so I got defensive and wrote other stuff and so it went.......  If nothing else, these last few days has given me time to look at myself.  I can be a real hard core, stubborn witch when I want to be.  Not a good thing when dealing with family.  I think I've dug canals instead of bridges and done more for hurting the kingdom of Heaven rather than help it.   That's why I'm thankful that it's Easter.  I'm thankful that Christ died for me, even though I'm a real jerk sometimes and very insensitive and probably very undeserving of His forgiveness.  Yet, he still gives it freely.  However, even though I know in my heart that He has forgiven me I am still the one who feels like I don't deserve it.  Probably because I know I'm inevitably going to screw up again so it makes me embarrassed to walk in forgiveness.  I think that is why I get stubborn sometimes.  It's easier to put on a bitchy front and act like I don't care or whatever, rather than to accept my part in a problem and move on.  Funny thing is, I do care if people are mad at me.  A lot.    That is the other thing I've realized over the last week.  I have a major fight or flight response to conflict.  Usually conflict makes me want to run away.  Especially when I feel like I'm on the loosing end.  Ahhh, the joys of self-discovery.  Well.... I've decided that there are just some things that are off subjects.  At least in a public forum such as this.  I've also decided that being the youngest sucks.  We are born to be peacemakers.....  and that is not always fun or easy to do.  I know that if I had been hired to do that job I'd have been fired this week for sure. 

Eye surgery from hell

I guess I'll update everyone on Danny's surgery.......  
Surgery was friday.  Everything seemed to go well, he didn't even cry when he woke up so that was great.  I should have known things wouldn't go that well the rest of his recovery.   I've decided that I really hate surgery on kids.  It's so hard on them.  Dan is having pain in the backs of his eyes. The only way he explains it is that that backs of his eyes hurt.  I don't think it's itching because I asked him if his eyes itch and he said the front does but it hurts in the back.  I'm pretty sure he knows the difference.  So in the last few days, I've spent the majority of my time running to the doctors and to Buffalo to see Ron's gram who is not well and then home and back to Elmira to the doctors.  Fun.  I would drive to the moon if I felt the doctors could figure out what was wrong with him.  I feel so bad.

Eye surgery #4

Danny had his fourth eye surgery yesterday.  Everything went well and the doctor seemed pleased.  His eye doctor is AMAZING and I feel very blessed that the Lord pointed us in his direction.  I know it was the Lord who worked it out that we would see this doctor because otherwise I'm sure we would have gone to Rochester and seen someone else.  Every other doctor is in Rochester and so it would be logical that he would have seen an eye specialist up there as well had God not intervened.   When Daniel was just a couple weeks old and right before his heart problems happened we had gone to get a second opinion from a doctor in Corning.  While we were there he called his friend, Dr. Morello and asked his for a favor, which was to see Danny that day to assess his eyes.  If doctor Morello hadn't been able to see us that day or it had been a week later, we would have been in Rochester with Danny due to his heart......  so that is how I know God had a plan for us to see Dr. Morello.  
As of this morning, Danny is doing well.  His eyes do look straighter than before so that is a good thing.  His eyes are pretty swollen still and very red and I'm not so thrilled that his cheeks are very red but I guess he looks ok.  He is acting good so why worry, right? 

Thoughts from a youngest sister

 Growing up the youngest is not an easy task.  It requires one to have a great amount of patience dealing with older siblings who love to torment and nit-pik every minute detail of the younger sisters life.  Torture and cruel practical jokes were everyday  treatment for me, it really is a wonder I turned out as well as I did.  Youngest siblings know that being force fed all sorts of nasty food and inedible things is common practice among  older sisters or brothers.  Occasionally one particular sister will come to the rescue but very rarely is that the case.  In my case I was fortunate to have my elder sisters marry and give me wonderful brothers-in-law who love me and know that I really am the unfortunate one in this family.  I'm sure that they married my sisters to watch over me like guardian angels.  Knowing that they sacrificed their happiness to protect me  has restored my faith in humanity.  As the years progress the youngest of the family finds herself in a unique predicament.  No longer small enough to be beat upon by her elder sisters, but still feeling subservient to them, the youngest often embarks on self destructive behaviors.   Any wise person would see that had the older sisters been more caring and helpful these behaviors would never have manifested.  During this whole ordeal the youngest of the family knows deep down that her mother is secretly longing for the day when her young daughter will realize that all a  long she has been the favored one.  Rising from the ashes like a phoenix, her day comes and everywhere shouts of praise is heard.  The only thing the old sisters can do is hang their heads in shame.  Being the kind and loving  people  that youngest siblings are, we quickly forgive our tormentors.   After all, what are younger sisters for?

Life with 6 kids

Do any other mothers  have those days when having a root canal without Novocaine seems like a better idea than motherhood?  I guess I'm having one of those days.  It is days like these that I'm hoping it is just PMS because if it isn't I think I'll consider getting a job that requires me to travel 360 days out of the year.  To top it off, my husband is a CPA and is up to his eye balls with taxes and deadlines causing him to be wound up tighter than Bin Laden on crack.  I guess it is a good thing my blood pressure isn't normally high, because today would cause me to have a stroke which would then cause Ron to go into cardiac arrest trying to figure out who was going to take care of the carpet munchers while he finished out tax season.  It really is a vicious cycle having a family.  When we are single we are bored and want to get married.  When Mr. Right passes by we hook him like a salmon going to spawn and just when things get quiet after the wedding, babies start joining the mix.  It takes approximately 1.5 kids for you to realize that singleness might not have been such a bad thing.  After number two comes along,  life settles down a bit and a routine is found.  Then out of the blue the stork brings number three and chaos is again ruler of the house.  Numbers 4, 5 and 6 are a blur, suddenly 21 years has passed and mental health is something you only dream of attaining and  sustaining for more than 3 seconds a day.  That brings us to days like I'm having today.  The sun is shining but the kids can't seem to find the door to go outside.  It almost seems as if aliens have visited during the night and sucked their brains out of their heads leaving them with the inability to do anything but annoy me.  Once forbidden things such as bouncing from couch to chair is now happening with reckless abandon.  I swear if I had a chandelier they would be swinging like the monkey brains they are.  The only bit of relief that I can see is the clock is continuing to count down the minutes until bedtime.  Once the last fifty-ninth  drink is had, the twenty-fifth bathroom trip is done I can look forward to quiet for the next 8 hours.  Granted, I will also be asleep; dreaming of root canals without novocaine.  

It's been a few days, well maybe weeks since my last post.  I'm in the process of gathering information from my mom and other places to write a book about my mom and her life.  Anyway, that is why I haven't been blogging, my mind is preoccupied.  
My college boys were home from school this weekend.  Justin was only home for  24 hours and Jacob has been home about 5 days.  
It got me thinking about raising kids and how as parents we try to steer them in the right direction but so many times they demand to figure it out themselves.  Sometimes the kids listen and go in the way I think is right but other times I feel like I'm banging my head on a brick wall.   It's really hard as a mother to balance the need to fix things for them and knowing when to just back off and let them figure it out for themselves no matter what the cost.  I remember a situation with my oldest son that required serious intervention a few years back.  It involved a girl and he was dead set that she was worth all the headaches he seemed to have over their relationship.  Ron and I both talked numerous times with him, questioned his reasoning and we even talked to both of them along with her parents.  It's funny, at least now when I think about it.  I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this girl was NOT the one for Justin.  It wasn't even that I didn't like her.  I did like her and I want the best for her even now, I just knew that Justin wasn't the one.  However, he didn't want to hear anyones opinion, least of all mine.  One day though, he just decided on his own that he was done.  I think I heard the angels doing a dance in heaven.  Seriously.   I know that God will bless Justin for waiting for the best that God has.  I think he's found it, but time will tell.  I know that Justin has done it right this time and I really feel that I can relax and let him go at this on his own.  Not because I approve of the girl, but because I know that Justin is relying on the Lord to do this, not just going at it himself.  It takes a man of great Character to remain single for over two years, waiting for the one he knows is worth waiting for.  I'm impressed of how much my son has grown.  Not only in his faith this year, but just as a man.  It's pretty cool to watch.  
That is my prayer for the rest of my kids.  That they would pray and wait for the one that God has.  The best.  It takes a lot of patience.  I honestly don't know if I could wait.  I know I didn't wait and it caused a lot of heart aches.  If a relationship is not built on a mutal relationship with the Lord, it makes it so much harder when the going gets tough.