Sunday, January 18, 2015

Depressing read...... proceed with caution

Do any of you ever wish for days gone by?  I'm sure you do..... back to when life was simpler, kinder, just plain easier.  I feel like at least once or twice a year, I get in these 'moods' when I'm not sure if I'm feeling nostalgic, or am having a bout of depression going on.  My mind takes me back to before life got so complicated; back to days when life was just easy, so tears come quick, my happy face is hard to put on, and life just seems to have no joy.  I relive the tried and true bible verses of where my hope comes from; The Lord!  I mumble out old hymns and sing along with the worship songs on the radio...... This helps, but if I'm being real here, which I am, it does very little to lift my spirits.  I can only imagine what it would be like for someone WITHOUT a hope in Christ...  holy smokes.   
I do the self talk thing " it's just feelings, we don't live by our feelings, remember Jeanette?!" " this too shall pass, get over yourself"  all those sorts of things..... I mean, come on! It was my birthday a few days ago, what could make me sad, right? UGH.  Yeah.  
So today, I see a picture of my oldest sister and I from her wedding day 39 years ago.  She was a young bride starting out her new life as a wife, I had just turned 5 the day before.  The carefree, problem free look on my face says that life could not be any better.......  but looking at that picture today only makes me think about my dad.  That wedding was the last big event we would celebrate together.  10 months later, we all would be standing around the funeral home saying good-bye to our, my, best friend.  Maybe he wasn't my best friend, but I hope he was.  
Life was so much simpler then.  Life before cell phones, before constant TV, before the daily onslaught of internet junk and before Facebook.  Maybe life COULD be simpler if I could let go of that stupid last addiction......  then I could at least not get upset over the irritatingly easy arguments that begin,  devoid of full truths and real conviction.  
Life was easier when we didn't have to worry that the government thought they knew more than parents and they actually gave kudos to mothers that chose to stay home.....
Back when life made sense.  When laws where made and upheld.  When the constitution was followed and people didn't forget what it said.  When the United States wasn't a joke.  When the President actually cared about doing the right thing!  
Depressing. Right?  Yeah, I'm right. I know.  There IS hope.  I know it, I get it..... hopefully soon I will snap out of it and be able to embrace it.  I don't like being in this funk.  It's not me.  I'm normally more of the anxious, nervous type..... trust me, it is MUCH better than the depressed me type.     
No worries people.....  I'm FINE.... seriously.  Fine.  I'm the gotta pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of gal.....  I'm just venting...... out loud (sort of)    I can only vent so much out loud without totally pissing everyone off.... been there, done that and it ain't pretty.  Which sort of lends to the whole depressed thing..... because if you have to hide feelings that doesn't always do good things to your soul..... but sometimes it is easier than the argument..... when your the type of person who gets flustered and can't string a coherent angry/frustrated sentence together even though you are actually smart and have good thoughts in your brain.... yeah, I'm that person.....  Some days I wish I was like my good friend, who shall remain nameless, but could cuss a blue streak, and make a sailor cry and then get him/her to apologize to you.   Is that horrible to think that way?  To want to go there and do that?  I'm sure I wouldn't feel better in the long run..... i'd feel worse, I know....  god forbid I'd make anyone unhappy.... or sad.....  Trust me, I  KNOW i make people sad, or mad, but believe me when I tell you, I probably feel way worse and am doing penance and self flogging for days afterward.  If any of you reading this are Jeanette haters..... I didn't mean that, I like making you sad.... I was just saying that to trick you..... ok, not really......  
Come on, I know there is at least ONE other person out there, that don't share my DNA, that understand how I feel.  Right?  I sure hope so, because otherwise I think I might be looking into mental hospitals.... ha . ha.  haaaaaaaaaaaaaa....   
SO.  All that being said.... written..... whatever.....  Life WAS easier then...  39 years ago.... when moms and dads could wipe tears away....... when your biggest concern was whether or not you got to watch road runner or not...... yeah..... life was good then.....  

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