oh to be a woman

Oh to be a woman.   Most of the time I have to say it is a really awesome thing.  It's days when the hair won't do a darn thing, my legs look like hamburg because the razor is dull and 'aunt mary' comes to visit right in the middle of  the grocery store. 
I think most women can agree that being a woman can be torturous and humiliating at times.  Take the gyno for example.   Now, first of all I think the majority of whooha doc's are males.  That right there has to tell you something.  My OB/GYN is prime example of a doctor with NO qualms of telling me I've let myself go all while I'm butt naked from the waist down with my legs spread  farther apart than the north and south pole.  What am I going to say?  I'm not about to argue with a man who has a metal torture device which has just sprung my va-JJ open so wide you could drive a truck through.   When I had my second son, my placenta was attached to scar tissue and the doctor had to reach inside to scrape it off so I wouldn't bleed.  Do  you think he gave me any drugs?  That would be a no.  I'm pretty sure if a man had been laying on the table and the doctor had crawled inside like mine did, he would have died right there on the table.   But no, I laid there, begging him to  shoot me while he crawled inside and did a dance on my uterus and set off fireworks on his way out. 
Then we as women get to have mammograms every year.  Well, they start when a woman is forty so I am just writing based on hear-say on this one.  I have heard though that during a mammogram, you are asked to place your bossom onto the slab like a sacrifice and watch as your breast is squished flat.  Now what kind of sadist  came up with that machine?  Did someone sit around in an office somewhere and say," how can we take a picture of the inside of a womans boob? Oh I know, we can put it between a door and slam the doors shut?"     Yeah, great idea Mr. Inventor.  Gosh, and we as women just go along like lambs to the slaughter and offer our sacrifices to the gods.  Well, this chick is taking her lambs to no such place.  My lady lumps will stay firmly on the ground where they belong. 
And last but not least, I will talk about hormones.  Ahhh, the joys of hormonal inbalance.  I've noticed that my 8 year old has started to show signs of  pre-pre- pms.  My sixteen year old has definitely become inbalanced and I've been inbalanced so long I walk with one arm and one leg.    Thanks Eve, ya had to go and eat the darn apple didn't ya?  And what did that get us?  I think PMS is God's way of saying " I told you so". 
Now don't get me wrong, I love being a woman.  But men have to realize they have it so much easier.   And if they think they don't then I say it's time to start designing a mammogram machine for men.  

the truth about cats and dogs

Pets!  It's very ironic how the word, if changed, spells pest.  In our house we have an abundance of pests.  I mean pets.  We have two guinea pigs, two indoor cats, one lizard and one dog.   The dog, which was once an outdoor dog has now become an indoor dog with the propensity to think he is my 7th child.  Forget about human brother/sister sibling rivalry.  I have dog/cat sibling rivalry happening in our home.   The dog, as most dogs are, is like a large four legged baby with no hope of their IQ reaching past 1.3, cats on the other hand are like snobby geniuses that make Einstein look like a moron.   I'm constantly telling our cat Sam to play nice with our dog Hound.  Do they listen?  No.  Sam torments hound every occasion she gets and has now decided it is quite funny to chase the dog down the hallway.  Sam thinks she is queen bee in the house and even limits our other cats food intake.  I think this is because Sam has an eating disorder.  Let me describe what Sam would be like if she were human.  Sam would be a bulimic know-it-all sociopath with narcissistic tendencies.  The dog on the other hand would be like  Gomer Pyle, except not as bright with breath like a toilet bowl.     Oh well.  Animals help keep us sane right?  I think it's because we see ourselves in them  There are days when I'd like to rip out someones eyes like the cat has tried many times and some days I feel like I've rolled in a pile of dog doo then rolled across the carpet spreading my yuck everywhere.   I guess I won't complain, just as long as I don't start scooting my butt across the floor or licking my private parts in public.

Tick tock

My heart has been thumping erratically again lately which is quite annoying to say the least.  I refuse to go to the doctor because I'm sick of them telling me it's stress.  However, last time I knew, stress could and does cause heart attacks.  Oh well.  I guess if my ticker stops tocking then someone can tell the doctors "i told you so" for me.   I was thinking a while ago about my funeral.  I know, it's a morbid thought but oh well.  No, I'm not suicidal.  I am too much of a chicken to do that.  Anyway.....  these are my wishes in the event I croak.......
 I want a FUNeral.  I want waiters walking around serving wine and cheese at my wake.  I want party music and a dance floor.  In my casket, I want one finger up my nose, the other giving a thumbs up and my eyes crossed and I really want my tongue sticking out of my mouth.   I think it would be great if someone could figure out how to rig up a motion sensor and when people walk up to pay their last respects "I" can say things like, "have a great day", "don't cry for me argentina", "boo", "wow, there really are dogs in heaven", and who knows what else.   Also, since I'll be dead anyway, if someone could have them take off about 80 pounds and make me look super skinny and put me in a pair of skinny jeans and a tank top then that would be great.  Leave the boobs the way they are.  Well, tack them up where they should be,  but you get the idea.   
Well, i guess I better get back to reality.  No time to die this week.  Until the kids are old I'm pretty sure my schedule is packed so heaven will have to wait. 

Thank God for Easter!

Have you ever had times in your life when it seems like every mistake you make compels you to make another and then another?   I have had one of those weeks.   
I think it started because I've been stressed out about Danny.  I've been stressed out because it's tax season and that causes a  spill over effect from Ron.  I'm sad about other things and so all in all it's just been an emotionally draining few weeks.  
I got my panties in a wad about something which was said so I wrote about stuff on my brain which probably should have been kept private.  Then I made someone upset so I got defensive and wrote other stuff and so it went.......  If nothing else, these last few days has given me time to look at myself.  I can be a real hard core, stubborn witch when I want to be.  Not a good thing when dealing with family.  I think I've dug canals instead of bridges and done more for hurting the kingdom of Heaven rather than help it.   That's why I'm thankful that it's Easter.  I'm thankful that Christ died for me, even though I'm a real jerk sometimes and very insensitive and probably very undeserving of His forgiveness.  Yet, he still gives it freely.  However, even though I know in my heart that He has forgiven me I am still the one who feels like I don't deserve it.  Probably because I know I'm inevitably going to screw up again so it makes me embarrassed to walk in forgiveness.  I think that is why I get stubborn sometimes.  It's easier to put on a bitchy front and act like I don't care or whatever, rather than to accept my part in a problem and move on.  Funny thing is, I do care if people are mad at me.  A lot.    That is the other thing I've realized over the last week.  I have a major fight or flight response to conflict.  Usually conflict makes me want to run away.  Especially when I feel like I'm on the loosing end.  Ahhh, the joys of self-discovery.  Well.... I've decided that there are just some things that are off subjects.  At least in a public forum such as this.  I've also decided that being the youngest sucks.  We are born to be peacemakers.....  and that is not always fun or easy to do.  I know that if I had been hired to do that job I'd have been fired this week for sure. 

Eye surgery from hell

I guess I'll update everyone on Danny's surgery.......  
Surgery was friday.  Everything seemed to go well, he didn't even cry when he woke up so that was great.  I should have known things wouldn't go that well the rest of his recovery.   I've decided that I really hate surgery on kids.  It's so hard on them.  Dan is having pain in the backs of his eyes. The only way he explains it is that that backs of his eyes hurt.  I don't think it's itching because I asked him if his eyes itch and he said the front does but it hurts in the back.  I'm pretty sure he knows the difference.  So in the last few days, I've spent the majority of my time running to the doctors and to Buffalo to see Ron's gram who is not well and then home and back to Elmira to the doctors.  Fun.  I would drive to the moon if I felt the doctors could figure out what was wrong with him.  I feel so bad.

Eye surgery #4

Danny had his fourth eye surgery yesterday.  Everything went well and the doctor seemed pleased.  His eye doctor is AMAZING and I feel very blessed that the Lord pointed us in his direction.  I know it was the Lord who worked it out that we would see this doctor because otherwise I'm sure we would have gone to Rochester and seen someone else.  Every other doctor is in Rochester and so it would be logical that he would have seen an eye specialist up there as well had God not intervened.   When Daniel was just a couple weeks old and right before his heart problems happened we had gone to get a second opinion from a doctor in Corning.  While we were there he called his friend, Dr. Morello and asked his for a favor, which was to see Danny that day to assess his eyes.  If doctor Morello hadn't been able to see us that day or it had been a week later, we would have been in Rochester with Danny due to his heart......  so that is how I know God had a plan for us to see Dr. Morello.  
As of this morning, Danny is doing well.  His eyes do look straighter than before so that is a good thing.  His eyes are pretty swollen still and very red and I'm not so thrilled that his cheeks are very red but I guess he looks ok.  He is acting good so why worry, right? 

Thoughts from a youngest sister

 Growing up the youngest is not an easy task.  It requires one to have a great amount of patience dealing with older siblings who love to torment and nit-pik every minute detail of the younger sisters life.  Torture and cruel practical jokes were everyday  treatment for me, it really is a wonder I turned out as well as I did.  Youngest siblings know that being force fed all sorts of nasty food and inedible things is common practice among  older sisters or brothers.  Occasionally one particular sister will come to the rescue but very rarely is that the case.  In my case I was fortunate to have my elder sisters marry and give me wonderful brothers-in-law who love me and know that I really am the unfortunate one in this family.  I'm sure that they married my sisters to watch over me like guardian angels.  Knowing that they sacrificed their happiness to protect me  has restored my faith in humanity.  As the years progress the youngest of the family finds herself in a unique predicament.  No longer small enough to be beat upon by her elder sisters, but still feeling subservient to them, the youngest often embarks on self destructive behaviors.   Any wise person would see that had the older sisters been more caring and helpful these behaviors would never have manifested.  During this whole ordeal the youngest of the family knows deep down that her mother is secretly longing for the day when her young daughter will realize that all a  long she has been the favored one.  Rising from the ashes like a phoenix, her day comes and everywhere shouts of praise is heard.  The only thing the old sisters can do is hang their heads in shame.  Being the kind and loving  people  that youngest siblings are, we quickly forgive our tormentors.   After all, what are younger sisters for?